How to Choose A Good Romantic Partner

Choosing a good romantic partner is often quite difficult. Considering how hard as well as important this is, it’s surprising that so many people choose their partners without giving it much thought. Or, if they do think about it extensively, they often focus on the wrong criteria.  Either way, people end up making big mistakes when selecting a partner.  I believe it is hard enough to find somebody good in the first place, without adding to the problem by going about that search in a misguided way. Therefore, in your search, it’s important to prioritize those qualities that give us the best chance to find somebody good. In this blog I will discuss what I believe people should focus on when choosing a partner. First, I will briefly describe my list of the most important factors that I believe are critically important when choosing a romantic partner. In the second section I will address each of these in more detail. This way I can provide you with an overview of my recommendations right away.  Then, at your own pace, you can learn in more depth about each factor.

A final point before we go to the list. At first glance the guidelines below may sound ridiculously obvious and easy to follow.  In our actual lives however, they can be very difficult to do, and require a lot of thought and effort. That is why I discuss each of them in more depth in later blogs.            

 How to choose a Good Romantic partner:

1. Choose someone kind. Kind to you. Kind to others. A person with a good heart who has a kind character. This is the most important of all.

2. Choose someone who is capable of close emotional attachment to other people.

3. Choose someone stable.4. DO NOT pick someone that you feel has to change. This does not mean that you think they are perfect as they are now.  It does mean that you must ask yourself, if this person never changes,will I be happy with them overall?

 4a. DO NOT select someone you feel you want to fix or heal.  No fixing people. I call this No Fixer Uppers.  To continue this housing metaphor, ask yourself, would you be happy living in this house as is, or only if you do extensive renovations on it? Do not pick any person that needs serious renovations.

 4b. The inverse of this is also true. Don’t pick someone who feels you have to change, but someone who will accept you, and will be overall happy with you, as you are now.    

5. Pick someone you like as a person. Not as a lover, but as a person.

6. Pick someone you like as a lover. Not only as a person, but as a lover as well. 

7. Don’t pick someone with whom you can recreate the dysfunctional relationship patterns you had with your family growing up. Many, probably most people, unconsciously choose partners that remind them of dysfunctional relationships they had with their parents.  Freud thought they do this because they are unconsciously driven to recreate traumatic circumstances so they can have a “redo”- this time working things out with a happy ending.  7. Frequently ask yourself: How do I feel with this person right now?” If you are often tense, nervous, angry, etc.- don’t be with them.

These guidelines are the product of three influences upon my thinking.  These are:

A)My own work as a PhD clinical psychologist with over 25 years providing psychotherapy to both individuals and couples; 

B) Readings on the science-based psychological research on relationships; and

C) My own personal experience with dating.  It’s important to note that these topics are certainly not new and have been discussed at length by others.  Indeed, I draw heavily on three books in particular.  These are:Tashiro, Ty (2014-02-01). The Science of Happily Ever After: What Really Matters in the Quest for Enduring Love.  Harlequin.

Levine, Amir; Heller, Rachel (2010-12-30). Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love ( Penguin Group US).

Some  years after I wrote this blog, this third book came out that was congruent with many of the ideas I had.  It’s written by the director of relationship science for Hinge, the dating app.

Ury, Logan; (2024). How to Not Die Alone. Piatkus Books.

I can’t recommend these books enough. They are both written for the public, not only for mental health professionals.  So read them.

In each of the next seven blog entries, I am going to describe and explain my rationale for each of the items on my list, one at a time. I believe it is imperative for you to understand why each item on the list is so important.